Mentoring: Why Relationships Matter

“I should have joined the Navy because I love ships.”

(This blog is a section from the chapter, Lifelong Learning and Mentoring, from the book, Inspired, Not Retired: Leadership Lessons from Father to Son (c) 2019)

I suppose because I did not join the Navy, my fascination with ships was supplanted by leadership, relationships, and mentorship. The two concepts that are inextricably connected are relationships and mentorship, which is why relationships matter in mentoring. Although the book – Inspired, Not Retired: Leadership Lessons from Father to Son focused on leadership, I mostly wrote about the relationship between my father and me.

We define mentoring as “a voluntary developmental relationship where two people share experiences – one with greater experience, one with less experience. This, based on mutual trust and respect, helps foster understanding for the mentee. This definition is so important because my research indicated that relationships are one of two critical elements in mentoring. I combined the Army’s definition of mentoring with my research – that of fostering understanding for the mentee is the second critical element.

Testing the Hypothesis

Although I used the lessons I learned to develop as a leader, the mentorship evolved from my relationship with my father. To test my internal theory, I dissected the mentoring definition and compared it to how I learned the lessons:

1. Voluntarily (for the most part)
2. Developmental (in general)
3. Sharing experiences (between my dad and I)
4. To a less experienced person (me)
5. Based on mutual trust and respect (between us)
6. That created understanding (for me)
7. Based on a relationship (father and son)

Although the process I used to test my hypothesis may seem a bit academic, I needed to lay the foundation for why I added understanding to the definition of mentoring.

Understanding: A Critical and Often-Overlooked Element

As we just completed a discussion of Toxic Leadership: The Series, I thought it was important to explain why dysfunctional mentoring was not a factor for my dad and me. There were no lessons I learned from punishment, coercion, or fear. The teachings I acquired arose naturally from my own lack of understanding. I found understanding for the mentee in my mentoring research, but it was absent from the Army mentoring definition. My lack of insight was normally predicated on one of four things:

1. A lack of maturity (child).
2. Inexperience (teenager).
3. A shortage of knowledge (adult).
4. The fear of exploration or failure.

The difference between lacking something and fear is that lacking something may create opportunities to explore. Fear, however, normally creates circumstances to ignore. We ignore saying and doing things, and act in particular ways, because we are paralyzed by our self-imposed inadequacies. We perpetuate our own fears through our knowledge shortfalls. Mentoring provides the expertise we lack by creating an understanding of what we seek. A mentoring atmosphere helps to alleviate immature thinking, creates new experiences, increases knowledge, and eliminates—or at least lessens—fear.

Although not every relationship provides a mentoring opportunity, nor does every mentoring partnership form a relationship, developing a connection helps create the insights necessary for successful mentoring.

Are you in a mentoring relationship, or are you just receiving advice from a superior, colleague, or really good friend?

Still interested in discussing mentoring? Then Let’s Chat by using the button below to schedule an appointment.

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Randolph, Jr., B.W. (2019). Inspired, not retired: leadership lessons from father to son. Amazon Kindle Direct Publishing https://www.amazon.com/dp/1536818461

Randolph, Jr., B.W. (2018). Mentoring and African American Army Captain Success: A Case Study. (Doctoral Dissertation).  doi: 10.13140/RG.2.2.22343.19363